From the Horse's Mouth

the Fight

Posted in stream of consciousness by theskinhorse on August 17, 2009

I pressed “delete” on a rather personal post this morning.

I wanted to shed light on my actions for some, but I found the ramblings too much for this blog.

Here was the bottom line: I had to fight for my Self, my identity for as long as I can remember. My identity feels born out of self-motivation; however, the circumstances that surrounds its birth and rebirth always seemed to be war. Every choice, every desire, every action was a fight; even the most peaceful revelations or subdued outlets were sought out and attacked by someone close to me. My religion, my friends, my creative outlets, my preferences, I thought these all were my choices, but, growing up, adults had other ideas about who I was and who I was to become. Something as simple as poetry was unwanted by others and nearly forbidden. My art did not look creative to their eyes, but troubled and unstable. My ideas were unrealistic, and my perspectives on life were irrational.

I have immediate reactions now when I feel my identity or Self being threatened. I worked hard on my Self, and I am proud of me; I feel there is no reason I shouldn’t be. So when I feel another’s Will trying to exert itself over me, I hiss and remove myself. In adulthood, I will not subject myself to the emotional or intellectual oppression I felt I had to endure as a child. Though people may have only the best in mind for me, this is not how it is received. I need to know that I am trusted to know what is best for me or to know what I can or cannot do. People may think that I never had to fight in my past since it seems I was given many things. I worked for the position I have now. My family wasn’t “privileged,” even if certain members acted like we were. Through the act, it became apparent what issues the “privileged” are introduced to when young. No one gets anything for free. I was not about to give up the whole of my Self then, and I won’t do it now. Though others may ask for a sliver, intending no harm, a sliver is just the beginning in my mind sometimes.

We all have fights that we just can’t seem to forget or give up. Maybe one day I will be able to be more malleable, but in many ways, I hope that day never comes. The fight has many losses, but the gains are the best I’ve ever come across.


7 Responses

Subscribe to comments with RSS.

  1. oracleofthepearl said, on August 19, 2009 at 4:59 pm

    I very definitely relate to this post.
    “Something as simple as poetry was unwanted by others and nearly forbidden. My art did not look creative to their eyes, but troubled and unstable.” It’s outrageous, but true.
    I do not want to be “warlike”. I find there are times it actually makes me sick. But I know it is indeed much of what has allowed me to survive intact, and there are times it is still so.
    Anyway, seems to be part of my makeup. Sometimes, somebody has to stand up and fight. Passive people do it in their own way. I’m just striving for the balance. Picking my battles carefully, I suppose.
    Thank you for sharing this.

    • theskinhorse said, on August 21, 2009 at 8:45 am

      I am not confrontational or warlike really. I tend to harbor the feelings internally more than express them externally, but I my lines, and I certainly feel warranted for acting as a warrior to fight for my right to be myself.

      “Sometimes, somebody has to stand up and fight.” Yup, even when we wish not to or may not be ready, sometimes it is THE TIME.

      Picking battles is an interesting thing. Sometimes we pick by virtue of how others perceive our actions, even if, in our own minds, we never picked at all.

  2. oracleofthepearl said, on August 19, 2009 at 5:01 pm

    Oops, when I said “outrageous, but true”, I meant true that others will do this to artists, to creative people. It’s very threatening, on many levels, yet oughtn’t be. Hope I was not unclear.

  3. gypsy-heart said, on August 24, 2009 at 7:03 am

    You know how that I totally agree with your words…to allow otherwise is much like living death. The battle continues for me, but at least now it is my own battle, from within.

    You are a creative soul, one of your gifts is writing, and I thank you for sharing your beautiful “words, of soul!”

    Creative energies and peace of heart to you,


    • theskinhorse said, on August 24, 2009 at 7:37 am

      Thank you, Gypsy Heart. It brings cheer to my heart to know that my words help you. Also thank you for the well wishes. I wish the same for you. Growth can be painful at times, and nothing compares to the kindness and blessings of others, imo.

      I don’t know if it is the same for you, but I find that internal and external battles seem to often run on a staggered scale with small rests in between when we are fortunate or a quick study. It is like, the Universe may know what We can handle.

      May your battles be fought with spirit and magical weapons, and blessings to your armed forces. :)

  4. gypsy-heart said, on September 6, 2009 at 8:33 am

    It is the same for me, my dear.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: